SmokedRam
11-19-2010, 12:52 AM
Tools Explained
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set
in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh
sh--!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used
to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the
line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and
throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a
BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the
next tool that you will need.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set
in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh
sh--!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used
to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the
line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and
throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a
BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the
next tool that you will need.